Most people whom are my friends already know about my views and beliefs, and though some people don't really like what I believe, they ACCEPT it. We leave it at that and we are still great friends, and we often get into discussions about religions, but never fights. Both sides are eager to learn about one another, so I view it as more as a learning experience, and so do they.

I have a friend of mine that shares my same beliefs, and he's someone I consider a brother. Tony is a pagan in a place that has very little pagans. I admire his bravery as he told his family of what he was and his friends. I haven't told my family yet, but then again, being in a town that is filled with mostly Southern Baptists stuck in the old ways is pretty intimidating.

Well, I was talking with my brother today, and I'm still currently talking to him. I noticed he was upset and irritated, and instead of asking him, I waited for him to tell me. It was then that he dropped the bomb that where he lives there is a college, but that they had just gave the go-ahead to have a Pagan club. At first I was estatic, and then I got curious as to why he was upset. So he sent me a link, which you can view here. I was instantly on my guard for the fact that I knew there were be people out there that wouldn't be so open about things.

I did some digging around and found a similar article that is basically the same, but with a part where you could post comments up about it. If you wish to see that, the link is here. In turn, once I read the said comments, I was digusted by the peoples reactions. So, I decided to post something up myself comment wise, and this is what I posted:

I am pleased that there is at least one group of people that are willing to step forward and try to get people to understand what pagans really are. I have my own beliefs, as do the rest of everyone in the world, but nothing is never really the same. We all may share the same beliefs, but there is also the fact that each and every person believes in something different. They might be Christians and believe in something, but not all Christians believe in the same thing. There is always something off. I say have one person talk to two of any religion, weither it's Christian, Catholic, Wiccan or Islamic, and have them share their views and beliefs. There is always going to be something different.

It's a beautiful thing to share what people believe and view for the simple fact that it broadens the horizons of the mind. I know many say that those who believe Christianity, and I'm not saying all mind you, would instantly jump at the fact that they think it's wrong and that people will 'burn in hell.' Again, everyone has their own thoughts and beliefs.

I was raised in a baptist household, while my fathers side of the family is Catholic. After a while, both merged into one for me, yet I still came up with my own beliefs. I can't be classified as anything other then 'pagan.' But what most people forget is what pagan means.

Pagan is just another way of classfying people that believe in something other then the Christian God. It's written in the dictionary, so techincally it isn't just 'wiccans' that are pagan, it's the islamic people, its the catholic people because of worshiping the Virgin Mary, it's the hindu, the buddist, and the list goes on.

What I see is an advancement. Yes, they aren't out there to convert people, just like Christians, though they evangalize, aren't supposed to force their belief on someone. It's basically just opening a new world to fill that spiritual part of someone, just like the physical, emotional and mental parts to.

Congradulations to the Pagan organization.

As you can see, it's quite long, so I had to break it up, but I still am saddened by the other comments I read. While talking to my brother, he told me of how the founder, which I believe, I could be wrong, is one of his friend, was upset about a blog that is on the web about her. You can find that here. Once I read it too, it sickened me even more.

Yes, I am pagan for the fact that I don't know what to really classify myself for I have no set religion. Granted, even with what I say, I'm still curious about the other religions out there. I've got a rather bad hunger for knowledge about things like this, so naturally when he talked of everything, it sparked my curiousity. Sometimes I wish that the people in the world would be more...accepting, but that is wishful thinking, no? Maybe in time, maybe in time.

I'll leave this here for now, but I shall be back later. Until next time.

Have you ever wanted something so bad in your life that you did all that you could do to obtain that? Or have you ever wanted to do something so bad that you have it already planned out to the T on what you are going to do? That is how I am, and that is how I am about my life. I have it planned with what I want to do in my future, and I share those plans with my boyfriend. We have many things planned together, much of it that will make both of our lives something worth while, not only that, but happy and ours. Most would laugh in our faces with what we have planned, saying something along the lines of 'that'll never happen, quit living with your head in the clouds!' But that's the thing. People are wrong, and they don't like it when they see people that can best them at something they've tried. Yes, I'm only 18, well, soon to be 19, but I already know that my boyfriend and me have something very few people have. I am in love with him, deeply in love with him, and he is in love with me just the same, if not more. Here it is, nearly a year and a half into the relationship and we haven't had one single fight. We've had our disagreements, but otherwise not a single fight. We talk constantly which minimizes that possibility. He's my best friend and more, and I wouldn't have that any other way.

Others out there, however, have tried many ways to sabotage our relationship. For example, calling my boyfriend and leaving messages about me fooling around on him and doing other such things when I wasn't. The lies since then have grown, but we've both ignored them. Now it's coming down to this. Lately there has been a lot of shit that's been going on, in my life as well as my boyfriends, and as well as my other friends lives. Well, it seems I've been the one designated to drag through the mud. I've dealt with threats, I've dealt with slander, I've dealt with my fair share of things that are now to numerous to count. But, this last thing is what is pushing me over the edge.

As I said, my boyfriend and me have already planned our lives together, but something has come up. I recieved a phone call today from a friend of mine named Luna, and we chatted for half an hour, in which she 'enlighted' me to a few things. It appears that my boyfriend and my ex-best friend is trying to sabotage our plans, AGAIN!! Anyways, while I was talking to Luna, it turned to what my boyfriend and me have planned, and she said this basically.

Luna: I wouldn't suggest that you act on those plans yet sis.
Me: Why?
Luna: Because something is going to happen and its going to involve Vin's father.
Me: Oh? How so?
Luna: I don't know, but Will warned me.
Me: Oh really?!
Luna: Yeah, so just lay low for a couple of months after he graduates.

That is the basic jist of what is going on at the moment. I'm not happy, the only thing that makes me happy or even smile anymore is my boyfriend. He's my life, and it seems that someone is finding it rather funny to try and take what happiness me and him have and basically rip it to shreads. I'm not happy, and with everything else going on? Lets just say I'm exhausted to the extreme. Everything is causing me to become mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausted. Not a night has gone by in the past several weeks that I haven't cried myself to sleep. I get asked all the time at my work why I look so tired, and all I say is that I haven't been sleeping good. I sleep at night yes, but I feel like I haven't. I toss and turn all night, and I have nightmares that I don't remember, and I cry myself to sleep.

It's all in an endless cycle and I don't know when its going to stop. I talked to my boyfriend about it and he's not happy. Everything that I've been going through, I've been telling him about too. I share anything and everything with him. It's just something I've always done with him. When I told him what's happening now, he was enraged. Not only are they doing this to the both of us again, but Will is now dragging in my boyfriends only family into it too. His father is all that he has left, and here Will goes and is trying to threaten not only my boyfriend and me, but my boyfriends father as well. So, here I am a crying mess, and my boyfriend is pissed as hell. Who wouldn't be?

I'm so frustrated, angry, hurt, and...just a lot of things. Well, I'll post more later. Enough of this. Until the next time.

My emotions can only be tested so far before I finally snap. Things lately have been strained, Dad is constantly testing me, pushing me further and further everyday. It's like he's trying to see how far he can stretch my boundaries. The things he says hurts, and a large part of me feels like he means everthing he says. Not only that, he enjoys it. I hate it and he knows it. I've asked him several times to stop, but does he do it?! NO!! He continues to do it and he just sits back and laughs, as if its all some big joke or something. He thrives in my pain and takes pleasure in making me feel like shit. He can deny it all he wants, but he can't hide what resides in his eyes. The only person that was able to stop him was my mother, and she's been gone for nearly five years now.

I want out so badly, but he doesn't want me to leave. He's begged me not to every single time I've brought up the fact that I want to live in a different state when I'm older. Every single time he begs, and all I can do is laugh. It's bad enough that I'm 18 and he won't let me out of the house at all, unless it's because of work, then I can leave. Not only that, oh no, he takes my checks so that I don't even have money to save up for things like college, or hell, a pair of new shoes if I need them. I also LOVE how he says we never have any money, but we seem to have enough money to get the dog new toys or treats, even new fucking collars.

He thinks I'm nothing but his fucking toy. I can tell that whenever he looks at me. Hell, he proves it all the time when he asks if he can sleep in my bed with me. FUCK THAT!! The only reason he's not trying to right now is because the cat box needs to be cleaned. I hate him and can't trust him. I can't stand him!! Look at what he's done and how he treats me! Some fucking father huh?!

Everday I wake up, I wish he wasn't there, I wish that he was anywhere but here, or that I was far away and hidden away from him. My dreams are wilting because I'm not able to do the things that I want to do, or need to do at that matter. Hell, I've graduated from high-school yes, but these days you need more then a fucking diploma to get you anywhere. Nevermind. . .I'll post more later. </end>

It's strange how many thoughts can compile together in one day, because even then there are still remains from the thoughts of yesterday woven through them. I don't know why my thoughts have been so jumbled lately. Everything seems to become a mystery to me, and then once my emotions get involved with everything? It just makes things worse. The confusion that is stemmed from everything just multiplies continiously until the point that I feel like I am being overwhelmed. Then comes the helplessness, and that aggrivates me and then it gets me mad. It's a never ending roller coaster.
I've also found out the hard way that I can't cry anymore. . .I can't. I don't know why, but it feels like it's being blocked by something I can't get rid of. The Gods know I want to cry, I need to, desperately, but something inside of me won't let the tears come forward. It's as if a dam was put there and the water is filling quickly, yet instead of finally breaking the dam down, the area that holds the water is getting deeper and more wide. Often times I just sit back and look at my hands, wondering why I can't do this, why I can't do that, or why the things that have happened in my life have happened to me. It's not a good feeling, feeling everything like I do. I hate it because then it leaves me vulnerable in a world where I can't afford to be.
People say that I deserve the best I can get, but what if I don't feel like I do? I don't feel like I deserve anything at all, I feel like the only thing that I 'deserve', so to say, to have is nothing but dirt. They argue with me about it for hours and hours on end, but I can't help what I feel. I mean. ..why did Mom do the things she did to me if I didn't deserve it? What about what Dad did to me too? I must've deserved it if they did it to me. . .right? I'm so confused, others say no, but I can't help thinking otherwise. Often times I wonder about what would've happened if I did something differently, something that would've changed what happened to me to where it didn't happen at all. Would I be where I am today? Or would I be . . .gone?
Don't start with the 'She's so Emo' bullshit either. I know that is what many of you out there are going to think when you read this, but you don't understand. I'm not like this a lot, but every now and again when I sit down and start to think about my past, I get like this. . .and it hurts. I feel like someone has a hand around my heart and is constantly squeezing it to see how much longer it'll take for my heart to break and for me to become the silent servant I used to be to my mother, father, and my grandparents.
I don't even feel like I belong with my own family. Often times I wonder why they put up with me when they seem to go out of their way not to have anything to do with me. It hurts, Gods it hurts like hell, and it's because of them that I don't feel like I belong anywhere. The only place I feel like I'm at home is the cemeteries that I visit. I get calm there and, oddly enough, I feel like I'm accepted and wanted there. Of course there isn't anyone there, but it's strange how I feel like that when I'm there. I don't know, but if I'm anywhere but home. . .I feel either even more alone, rejected or unwanted, or I feel like I do at the cemeteries. Happy, at home, and wanted. . .Strange paradox, no?